Heroes Write the Darndest Things

It’s now about a month since I started playing Godville.

What is Godville?

“Godville is the answer! All you need to do is to create your own hero and he will do all these boring things you had to do in the other games, leaving you to enjoy the only thing that matters in any game – lean back and have fun.” That’s according to Google.

Godville hero page, after a month of progress--if you could call it progress
Godville hero page, after a month of progress–if you could call it progress

The game is a massively-multiplayer zero-player game (ZPG). Upon registration, you name yourself as a patron god then you create the hero who you encourage or punish, depending on your whim. You barely have to keep tabs on your hero because his/her progress is left to the system. Although you do have to check on the hero occasionally—just to see if he/she is still alive, needs resurrection, currently duking it out with another champion, or dodging some monster in a mini-quest.

While the game is fun to a point, what made it so interesting for me are the diary entries that range from thought-provoking to head-bashing. Here are choice accounts of my hero. If ever he gets angry that I showed them to you, I’ll sit him down for a drink or a hot meal or something heroic.

  1. I feel like I’d be a better hero if I had a personal theme song.
  2. Came across a bunch of flamboyant vampires and overgrown wolves arguing over some girl. Looked pretty lame. Kept walking.
  3. While I was resting under a tree, a wood nymph suggested we ‘get dirty’. So why did she leave after I jumped in the mud?
  4. An elephant walked into the waiting room, but nobody mentioned it.
  5. Almighty, when I close my eyes, where do I disappear to?
  6. I am very self-assured. I keep telling myself that every day.
  7. Should I worry that I’m more concerned with writing in my diary than with what’s happening around me?
  8. Boldly went where no hero has gone before. In all honesty, I was completely lost.
  9. Almighty, why are all these other heroes telling me to worship different gods? Do you have a family?
  10. Sometimes I want to fly… But for now, fleeing is good enough. Until we meet again, Ctrl-Alt-Delinquent!
  11. Good friends are hard to come by. At least I know I’ll always have you, Omnipotent One.
  12. Lost my dignity. Probably dropped it together with my wits. Fortunately, I seem to be doing just fine without both.
  13. Tried to lick my own elbow. All I got was a twisted neck and a strong sense of dissatisfaction.
  14. Swallowed my pride. Funny, it tasted like chicken. Goodbye, Card Shark!
  15. I’m not panicking. This is how I normally run away.
  16. A chemist was ranting in the main square. He told me that if I wasn’t a part of the solution, I was part of the precipitate.
  17. For once, I decided to look before I leap. Saw a bunch of jagged rocks, broken glass and upturned arrow heads. Leapt anyway.
  18. No matter what I do, Omnipotent One, you can always fit me into your divine plan, right?
  19. Threw caution to the wind. The wind threw it right back.
  20. This is no time to panic. This is a time to flee in abject terror.
  21. Ha ha ha… wait, why am I laughing in my diary instead of out loud?
  22. Heard a tree fall in the forest when nobody was around.
  23. Sometimes I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.
  24. There are heroes and superheroes. And then there’s me!
  25. Dear Diary, do you hear what I hear? That’s good, I thought I was going crazy.
  26. I know exactly where I am, Omnipotent One. It’s my destination that’s lost.
  27. Victory shall be mine! Eventually…
  28. Threw a coin down a well. Quickly fled when it was thrown back.
  29. Ha! I just saw an adventurer walk into a tree while he was writing in his dia—
  30. Something wicked that way went…
  31. Today I fought, ate, prayed, and wrote in my diary, all while breathing! I’m such a good multitasker.
  32. Just when I thought the monster was going to kill me, it hugged me instead. It turns out that all this Cast Iron Man wanted was a little love.
  33. Dear Diary, why don’t you ever write back?
  34. Technically, how could I ever get lost if I never even had a destination in mind?
  35. I’m not attacking the Centaur of Gravity, Exalted One, I’m taking preemptive revenge.
  36. They say two heads are better than one. How can meeting two monsters at the same time be better than meeting one?
  37. I feel like someone is stalking me… No, wait, it’s just my shadow.
  38. Every time I cross the road, I get this weird feeling that a chicken is watching me.
  39. I find I’m much more productive when I make a list of check marks, then write whatever I end up doing next to them.
  40. Did you know, Great One, that some monsters are edible? They taste like chicken.
  41. Heard a flock of birds overhead squawk, “Look at Essence of awesomeness.” I guess they must speak Pigeon English.
  42.  “A handsome profit for a handsome hero!” said the trader, as he paid me 2369 coins for my transmogrifier. Well, technically I said it, but I’m sure it’s what he was thinking.
  43. Stared into the face of danger. It winked back.
  44. Went to the Wounded Heroes office asking for help, but I was told damage to my pride did not qualify as a battle wound.
  45. You know, Great One, it’s lucky that no matter how far I travel, and how strange the creatures I encounter, everybody speaks English. And almost nobody speaks Russian.
  46. You know, Almighty, seven days without a pun makes one weak.
  47. Passed by a talking skeleton. He was humerus.
  48. I sat under a tree to rest and let my mind wander, but it was too feeble to get very far.
  49. I developed a cure for memory loss… I just wish I had written it down.
  50. You know what, Most Righteous One? I’m beginning to think that you really only pay attention to me for short periods of time, then ignore me for hours. I’m just going out for a bit. See you later.
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7 Comments Add yours

  1. SilverHakai says:

    So THAT’s where it was all coming from! #LMAO

    Like

    1. Mati Serrano says:

      Now you know!
      The game itself is more sensible than even just a hundredth of the diary entries.
      I think all heroes there are like that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. SilverHakai says:

        So, where do I sign up? Or should I even dare? 😛

        Like

  2. yeshuagenoa says:

    Hi! Do you know any cheats or mods for this game.
    I’ve been looking on the internet for mods and cheats
    but it seems that there are no cheats/mod for godville.

    Like

    1. Mati Serrano says:

      Cheats? I asked around and the consensus is: there isn’t any.
      According to my best friend, the UI mods are out there. Somewhere.

      Like

      1. yeshuagenoa says:

        Can i ask if whats UI mods is and where can i find this?
        Thanks..

        Like

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